Snippets from My Application to ABC's Find My Family - ISO My Birthmother

Below are snippets from the very long application to ABC's Find My Family - I am hoping they will choose my case and help me find my birth mother!

ABOUT ME:
As of this January 5, 2010 I have lived 40 years with a piece missing. This piece lives with my birth mother. At just five-days old and without a family to call my own, I was fatefully placed into the arms of two amazing people who loved me boundlessly. "You are so loved because you are so wanted!" my Adoptive Mother always told me. She explained that I was also "so loved" by my Birth Mother that she put aside all the desire in her heart to keep me and instead let my Mommy raise me for her "so I would have the best life possible."

And WOW did I! My adoptive parents sacrificed to educate me in private school, supported my pre-teen love of acting and singing, and stood by me when (at 19) I too became pregnant. I decided that I could not make the same difficult sacrifice as my own birth mother; I could not give my baby up for adoption. It might have been a selfish decision, as I was truly unprepared to be a mother. Yet I knew my heart could not withstand the double loss. I could not live my life longing for both my birth mother and my birth daughter. The thought of that was unfathomable.

Today I know I made the right decision for me; still I wish I could have saved my child the difficulty of growing up with a single mother. And I am awed by those who are able to let their children go “to find better lives”. Still I cannot describe the connection I find in my own daughter's eyes, my eyes; her smile that matches my own; she is my one true living relative. Hers is the face I look into and see my own, those mannerisms we share, and those habits we just can't break no matter how hard we try. The loss of this precious connection that binds mother and daughter is the loss endured in the lives of those separated by adoption.

The day they put my daughter in my arms, I met my first living relative, and I felt so much less alone. Yet a part of me (the part that is the daughter and not the mother) still stands alone in my continued search to close the familial circle. Today I am happily married; I obtained a college degree in Journalism and work in the world of online media and social networking. My daughter is now 20 years old, and I am step mom to an 11 year old son. I enjoy creative writing, walking, yoga, cooking. I lost my adoptive father in 1996 and my adoptive mother September 11 of 2008. I decided to start my search this year on my 40th birthday. My birth mother would be somewhere between 57 and 63ish probably.

HOW WILL FINDING YOUR RELATIVE CHANGE YOUR LIFE?
I have long felt that it is my obligation to reach out to find my birth mother. My core longs to find her, and if she wants to find me as badly as I want to find her, then I owe it to her to search as hard as I can, especially if she is searching diligently as well. She did the hardest part (letting me go). Doing my part of the reconnecting work is the least I can do. Finding her would change my life in possibly two ways. If she was glad to be found, this could mean that my family would grow, I would feel complete and our hearts could stop longing, our eyes could stop searching crowds, our ears could stop searching names.

If she was NOT happy to be found and wanted to leave the past in the past, YES it would hurt. But even from here I could begin to heal. I could stop picking at the primal wound so to speak. I would know that "she" is not still out there searching for me, and I too could stop searching. Knowing I found her, even if she did not want to connect, would allow me to begin to heal and obtain closure. Until then, we adoptees walk around with our invisible antennae up constantly searching faces in the crowd and seeking out that secret information to be delivered from the universe.

WHY IS IT URGENT FOR YOU TO FIND THEM NOW? (Please be detailed)
It is only urgent to find her (and/or my birth father/family) in that the longer I wait the fewer years we will have together should they want to reconnect. It is urgent also because after 40 years I want to have peace around this no matter which way it goes. I want to lower my adoptee antennae.

IF YOU SAW HIM/HER AGAIN, WHAT IS IT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY?
I have always understood your choice was for the best (regardless of the reason), I have always loved you, and I have always prayed for you to be at peace with your decision. I would not change anything in any way as I cannot imagine never having loved my adoptive parents and I am who I am today because of your choice, and I love who I am so all is as it should be! I have thought of you on every birthday and with every joyous moment in my life.

PLEASE CHOOSE ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY AND EXPLAIN:
GENUINE - What you see is what you get with me. I don't hide behind false pretenses, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am honest and kind and supportive. I don't hold grudges or measure things or search for my fair share. I believe that all things good and bad in our lives happen for a reason. I believe life is a continuous learning experience. There are no mistakes there are only tough lessons. I am extremely forgiving and tend to think more about others than myself. I am extremely loyal, somewhat impulsive, trusting and trustworthy....gee I think I might blush now!

My favorite quote of all time is by Goethe and I think this has special relevance for those searching for loved ones:

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back– Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. –Goethe

WHAT ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF IN YOUR LIFE?
My dedication to raising my daughter and caring for my adoptive mother as a single mom. I entered college when my daughter was 5 and graduated from the University of Texas when she was 10. My birth father died two years before I graduated leaving my adoptive mother with no financial support (she had never worked). I brought her to live with me and my daughter in my college dorm. We worked together to raise my daughter. My mother had heart and lung problems. I supported her and raised my daughter for the next 10 years. I got married in 2006 and then got my adoptive mother her own apartment where I visited her at least three times a week. It was a hard journey at times for us all, but I feel it was a tremendous time of personal growth and sharing of love. Enduring this difficult time created an amazing bond between the three of us. That is the thing I am most proud of!

WHY DO YOU FEEL YOUR STORY SHOULD BE CHOSEN TO BE ON OUR SHOW?
Well, There are probably many many people who feel that they do not have enough information to submit to your show. I admit I don't have much for you to go on! So if you could crack this case then it might show others to NEVER NEVER GIVE UP. I also feel that my extreme love for my adoptive family could demonstrate to birth parents that may be watching that adoptees DO find wonderful homes, ARE loved beyond words, and can live happy lives. My life also is a great example of how although my adoptive life was not ideal (we were not well-off, my adoptive father was obese, I ended up being a teen parent myself, my adoptive mother and I struggled to get by at times) I NEVER resented the family or situation I was adopted into. I think this is a very important message for birth parents to hear. The adoptive parents don't have to be perfect people with perfect lives, many many adoptees would not trade their adoptive lives for any other destiny and are very thankful for the circumstances that created who they are today!